Subtitles ripped by Worst
Morning Carole!
Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure...
Mr Brittas! You're back and you look so...
Healthy, I think is the word, Carole,
and to be honest, I've never felt better.
So, how was Miami, Mr Brittas?
Bit hot for me Carole, but the course was superb!
I feel energised and raring to go!
Is it my imagination or is there a duck on the counter?
Yes, Mr Brittas. She's been in the reception all morning.
It's part of Colin's ''Children's Corner''.
''Children's Corner?''
It's a little sanctuary he's building for unwanted animals.
Ah, there you are Maisy!
Ah, Mr Brittas, you're back!
How was the course? How was Miami?
Never mind that, Colin.
I want that duck out of the building, please.
Carole, can you make sure the public don't go dropping
their confectionary all over the centre?
I mean look at the floor, it's covered in these raisins.
Those aren't actually raisins, Mr Brittas.
- What are they? - They're Dorothy's.
- Dorothy's? - A rabbit, Mr Brittas.
The most adorable creature, but she does tend to leave
little deposits about the place.
Colin, I want the animals to remain outside the building.
Carole, everyone in the staff room in five minutes.
When I came into the Centre this morning,
some of you may have noticed a new aura about me.
If I may say so Mr Brittas, you look radiant!
Spot on, Colin!
From my every pore, there exudes calm, well-being
and a quiet but huge self-confidence.
Is that so, Mr Brittas?
Yes, Timothy and there's a simple reason for it.
- What, Mr Brittas? - I have found my lion.
You what?
My lion Julie, I've found it.
That's what the course was all about.
''Wake Up The Lion Within''.
A five-day conference on how to seek your inner power.
What's this got to do with lions, Mr Brittas?
- Well, as Clint said... - Who?
Clint... Clint Ponderosa, he was the man running the course.
The lion within, is that mine of untapped potential
that most of us never use, awaiting to be awoken.
And he should know.
From being a humble postman, he owns a house in Beverly Hills,
three burger chains and a Mustang ranch in Wyoming.
So how exactly do we wake up this lion within, then?
You simply roar.
What?
You roar, like a lion!
You see, by physically making the noise of a lion,
we wake up that potential inside.
In fact, I'd like us all to practice it now.
Yep, I'd like each one of you in turn,
to stand up and give me a roar.
Starting with you...
- Gavin! - Me?
Gavin, as my Acting Senior Deputy Manager, I'd like you
to stand up and give me the first roar, please.
I really don't... erm...
[quietly] Rrrr...
Not much inner power there. Julie!
Raaa!
Good, Julie... Colin!
Raaa!
Cracking, Colin! Tim!
Rrrraaaaa!
- Right, Linda! - Rrrrrrraaaaaaaaaa!
Excellent, Linda! Carole!
Oh... no, Mr Brittas.
Come on Carole, remember your assertiveness course.
I know, Mr Brittas, but I couldn't...
- Roar please, Carole. - Oh, Mr Brittas...
I want you to roar!
[timidly] Ra...
What was that supposed to be?
It's a roar, Mr Brittas
It sounded more like a squeak to me.
I know Mr Brittas, it's just roaring isn't really me...
- Carole, on your feet, please. - CAROLE: Oh, no!
Close your eyes!
Right, I want you to concentrate on your belly.
Now, imagine your belly is a big, dark cage,
inside of which is a big lion longing to roar.
Now roar!
[quietly] Rrraaagghh...
- Better! And again... - Rrraaagghh!
- Louder! - [ferociously] Rrrrrraaaaa!
Now, that is what I call inner power!
Item numero deux! As most of you know,
we've been nominated for the European Award for Excellence,
the most prestigious award that a leisure centre can receive.
Gavin, le details, s'il vous plaIt.
Oh, mais oui, Mr Brittas.
Brussels will be sending us an inspector on June 13th,
we're up against the Centre Charles de Gaulle in Paris,
the Gesundheit Centre in Frankfurt...
Last year's winners...
Yes, indeed...
And the Hurlings Svurlings Luftscentre in Copenhagen,
so there's stiff opposition.
What exactly do we have to do, Mr Brittas?
Europeanise the Centre for starters, Linda.
How do ya do that then?
Well, at the moment we're catering for only
the English-speaking sector of the European community,
I wanna make sure that everyone in the community is welcome.
Mr Brittas, by the time the inspection comes round,
you will have the best children's corner in Europe!
Thank you, Colin.
With only the best tended animals!
I've discovered a marvellous new dental floss for pigs!
I don't really want to hear about it, Colin.
It gets right inside the snout, right to the back teeth.
Yes, Colin...
You should have seen what I extracted the other day...
Yes, that's enough, Colin!
Right everyone, end of meeting,
let's use our lions within to win that award, please.
Surely there must be someone with a problem?
Oh Gordon, thank God you're here!
Can't stop now, my darling.
Gordon, I started my counselling three weeks ago,
I've only had one client!
That's simply because you're not expressing your lion within!
My darling, if you want clients,
you've gotta go out there and get 'em! Rrraaagghh!
Yes, you're right... Rrraaagghh!
Just about done all the signs in the Centre now, Mr Brittas.
We had a few problems with the Finnish for, 'No Petting'.
Hang about, there are only eleven languages here, Linda.
- Yes, Mr Brittas. - There's 15 countries.
Yes, we know that Mr Brittas, but in case you didn't know
the other four, the Irish speak English...
I know the Irish speak English, Tim, they also speak Gaelic.
- You want a sign in Gaelic? - And Welsh and Walloon.
Walloon?
It's a Belgian dialect, Tim. Onto the sign makers, please.
Splendid, Carole! That's what I like to see,
staff expressing their lion within.
Now, I want all these goods marked up in Euros...
Euros, Mr Brittas?
Euros, Carole. The future European currency
to be phased in by the year 2002.
There's the conversion table, I want it done by first thing.
- STRANGER: Yes, of course. - Who said that?
- Who are you? - Don't you recognise me?
No.
Well, who do you think's been doing all the roaring?
- I'm here to help you. - Help me?
Well, it's about time we got you out of this tawdry little place,
You've been here longer than Moses, let's face it!
What?
Forgive me, but you are just a dog's body!
I'm nothing like a dog's body!
GAVIN: Carole! CAROLE: Yes, Gavin?
I wonder if you can manage just a little photocopying for me?
Yes, what is it?
This... the Treaty of Rome.
foundation stone of the Common Market,
Mr Brittas wants it on public display throughout the Centre.
- Yes, very well, Gavin. - Woof, woof!
- Go away! - I'm sorry?
Not you, her!
Who?
He can't see me, my little tulip, nobody can but you.
- GAVIN: You alright, Carole? - Yes... fine, thank you.
Good...
Now listen my precious plum,
you've gotta cut the crap and go for what you deserve!
What are you doing, Colin?
Just finishing off the new enclosure, Linda.
For what? Elephants?
A Tasmanian chipmunk!
Tasmanian chipmunk?
It's a rare and very beautiful chipmunk,
found only in southern Tasmania.
It's my showpiece for Euro inspection day.
Bit of a big fence for a chipmunk, isn't it?
But the Tasmanian chipmunk isn't your ordinary chipmunk,
they come much larger than usual and can occasionally bite,
hence the need for a sound enclosure.
I hope you read those guidelines I gave you
on keeping animals in captivity?
Don't you worry Linda,
I treat them like my own children.
Did you manage to do that photocopying for me?
CAROLE HUMS
- Carole? - Photocopying?
That's dog's body work, isn't it, Gavin?
I'm sorry?
And I am not a dog's body!
If you want it done, do it yourself!
Gavin, Carole, how are you both?
- Fine! - We've had better days.
Really? Well, you'll be pleased to know that I'm offering
a 10% discount for all staff counselling, so any problems,
no matter how small, don't hesitate to come and see me.
I don't have a problem, but I know someone who does.
PRACTISING FOREIGN LANGUAGE
RECORDED VOICE: Where is my watermelon?
Go on! Do it now!
RECORDED VOICE: Have you seen my watermelon?
Oh, shut up! I'm going for a coffee!
Julie, what is the name of our judge for Euro inspection day?
Mr Coulu something...
Mr Coulucundis. What nationality is he?
Greek.
Don't you think we should master the basics of his language?
Right, so when he walks through the door,
I'll tell him the watermelon's in the boot of the car
and I'd like a kilo of aubergines.
Come in! What is it, Carole?
Mr Brittas, I wondered if I could have a word?
I'm rather busy at the moment, Carole.
No, he's not, I've had enough for one day.
Er Julie, first thing in the morning, test on vegetables!
- Skathes Laca. - Pardon?
Something I learnt off a Greek waiter.
What is it, Carole?
Mr Brittas, I seem to recall that at one stage
you were thinking of appointing another Deputy Manager?
Yes, I'm still thinking of advertising for the post.
Good! There's someone I think could do the job quite well.
If you mean Linda, I don't think she's got the experience.
No, I don't mean Linda. Actually, I mean... me!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
What's so funny?
Oh, I really don't think that's possible, Carole.
Why not?
I need someone of great confidence and high self-esteem
and as far as those two things go,
I don't really think you're top of the tree, are you?
No, of course not Mr Brittas, I'm sorry.
Shouldn't have taken up so much of your time.
That's alright. Can we go back and man reception now, please?
And where do you think you're going?
Go back and fight for your rights!
I don't know what to say.
- What are you whispering? - Nothing... Mr Brittas.
Thank you, Carole.
Flattery will get you everywhere.
Flattery? I just want to say for the record that...
- What's that, Carole? - Er... erm...
I've always admired and looked up to you.
Have you?
Yes, and it's been such a privilege
to work for such an enlightened man.
- Why, thank you, Carole. - Well done, my little peach.
I believe I've learned so much form observing you.
Brilliant! It's almost worthy of me.
So, I just want a chance to put what I've learnt into action.
So stop wasting my time and make me the Deputy Manager now!
That's a little crude for my liking...
- Well! - But effective I guess!
"Carole Parkinson has been appointed deputy line manager,
wet and dry, with effect from Wednesday 1 st June. "
I see, another one bites the dust!
Soon it'll be all management and no workers.
Carole! Why Carole?
I think it's marvellous news, I think we should all celebrate.
Celebrate? Nobody celebrated when I got promoted!
It took me years to make deputy,
how come Carole does it overnight?
Ah well, she's got a lion within, you see.
Yeah? And what have I got?
A gerbil?
I can't believe it, me, Deputy Manager!
Yes, and the view's even better from the top of the mountain.
Yes... What do you mean,''top of the mountain''?
You don't think your stopping at Deputy, do you?
We've gotta think big!
Are you sure this is going to work?
Trust me, I know how he ticks.
Hello, Councillor Druggitt, this is Carole Parkinson,
I've a little proposal to make to you...
I want banners stretching all the way across the roof saying,
'Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre' in all...
... 30 different languages and dialects of the community,
including Patois, spoken by the Swiss village of Alpenheim,
which has a residential population of 1 2.
Yes, Mr Brittas, we know.
Instead of banners which just clutter up the roof,
why don't we just fix the European flag
to the outside of the Centre? We say it all with one gesture.
Carole, this is not a very good start to your new career, is it?
What do we have to use to fix the flag?
A ladder, Mr Brittas.
What is the council regulation regarding staff and ladders?
Well, I'm not...
We're not allowed up them, are we? And why is that?
- Because... - We're not insured.
These things should be tripping off your tongue.
Are you sure about that regulation, Mr Brittas?
Oh yes, yes... yes.
Yes, I think you'll find I'm right, Carole.
I remember reading it to Helen in bed!
Right, where are we... ladders, ladders, ladders...
That's funny! I could have sworn I'd seen...
- Do you know what I did? - What's that?
I must have been reading last year's manual by mistake!
Which means there's no regulation this year,
the council must have scrapped it!
Which means you and I have got ourselves a flagpole!
Yes and I'd like to volunteer to organise it, Mr Brittas.
Excellent, Carole!
Between you and me, I have a hunch that you're gonna make
one superb Deputy Manager and I can't help feeling
just a twinge of pride for spotting that lion within.
Without you, Mr Brittas, I wouldn't be where I am today.
Oh... thank you, Carole. You coming?
No, I'm gonna crack on and order that flagpole, if I may?
Good for you Carole, keep roaring!
Did you know that I'm offering two hours counselling
with 25% discount and free cappuccino?
I've already got a therapist, Mrs Brittas.
Have you?
And as far as I know, most of the staff are in therapy, too.
You see, with Mr Brittas as your boss, you have to be.
Yes, I suppose that stands to reason.
Oh, what the hell!
Alright up there, Carole?
Fine, thank you, Linda.
CAROLE SCREAMS
CRASHING SOUND
Are you okay, Carole?
Stand back, please! Leave it to me.
How does that feel now, Carole?
Fine, thank you, Mr Brittas.
Bit over the top for a sprained ankle, Mr Brittas?
You cannot give enough support, Linda. I've done the course.
TELEPHONE RINGS
Brittas!
VOICE: Hello Gordon, I'm just ringing to find out
VOICE: how your Euro preparations are going?
Fine, thank you, Jack.
I heard one of your staff had a bit of an accident.
Hmm, news travels fast!
BRITTAS: Carole Parkinson fell off a ladder
and sprained her ankle to be precise.
You are aware of the council rule about staff using ladders?
Indeed, Jack. And you of all people should know
that it pertains to last year's regulations.
It was passed by full council in January of this year.
I think you'll find I'm right, Jack.
If you look at the regulations, you'll see there's nothing...
Oh my God!
What's the matter, Gordon?
I've made a terrible mistake.
Which gives me no choice but to resign as manager.
But that's ridiculous, it was just a minor oversight.
A minor oversight, Gavin, that put one of my staff in danger.
If I'd spotted that regulation on ladders,
none of this would have happened.
It's only a sprained ankle, Mr Brittas.
But it could have been fatal. I could have killed Carole.
We all make mistakes, Mr Brittas.
As manager of this Centre I can't afford to make mistakes.
Or should I say, ex-manager.
You're not serious about resigning, Mr Brittas?
Oh, I certainly am, Colin. With effect from today.
ALL: What?
And I've been instructed by Councillor Druggitt to tell you
that the new manager of this Centre, will be Carole.
Carole? But she's only been...
Carole is going to be the new manager of this Centre
and I hope that you give her the same support.
I can't believe this is happening.
What about your European award for Excellence, Mr Brittas?
Yes, Mr Brittas, don't you still want to win it?
Of course I do, Colin. But the important thing is
that this Leisure Centre wins it.
It doesn't matter who's in charge.
Right, it only remains for me to say what an honour it's been
to have been your manager. I shall miss you all.
Please don't go, Mr Brittas!
Should I call you a cab?
Julie!
Goodbye everyone.
Pull yourself together, Colin!
Right everyone, back to work!
There is nothing wrong with you believe me.
Depression is just a symptom of unexpressed hurt, that's all.
Absent father, over protective mother,
you've had the classic examples of a dysfunctional childhood.
Can you leave please, Gordon. I'm with a client.
Helen, it's a sheep.
Well, nobody's perfect.
I know, he can be very insensitive.
What do you want?
I've resigned.
What?
Mr Brittas, you're back!
No, Gavin. I've just come to see Carole, that's all.
I believe she's expecting me...
Hang on, what are you doing on reception?
Oh, it's Carole, Mr Brittas, she's made a few changes.
I'm receptionist now and Julie is deputy manager.
- Julie? - Yes, Mr Brittas.
BELL PINGS
If you'll excuse me, I've gotta do Jessica's bottle.
Yes, that's right, I did say red carpet.
I want nothing but the best for the European inspector.
KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!
Mr Brittas is here to see you.
How lovely! Mr Brittas, do come in, sit down. Two coffees, Tim.
- Yes, Carole. - Excuse me?
Sorry, Ms Parkinson...
So Mr Brittas, what can I do for you?
Carole, why have you made all these changes?
With respect, Mr Brittas, they're no longer your concern.
So how may I help you?
I wanted to ask a favour really.
I was wondering if you had a vacancy for me?
Vacancy?
Anything at all. Mowing the lawns, unblocking the drains,
but I wouldn't wanna tread on Colin's toes.
Mr Brittas, I wouldn't dream of offering you such work.
No really, I don't mind.
You see, in a funny sort of way, I'd rather be here
doing anything than not be here at all.
Yes, well I'm afraid there's nothing at the moment.
If anything comes up, I will, of course, let you know.
- Thank you, Carole. - See Mr Brittas out.
Oh, I've just made the coffee...
I said Mr Brittas is leaving!
And don't forget to book my pedicure.
- No, Ms Parkinson. - CAROLE: Good morning!
Oh my God, what am I doing? Poor Mr Brittas.
Yes, poor little man... we'll send him some flowers.
Poor Tim, Poor Gavin and all the others,
they don't like the changes I'm making.
Well, shocking as it may seem, they're not meant to.
Well I don't recognise myself anymore!
Splendid!
None of the staff like me and I've lost all my friends.
Who needs friends my little pomegranate,
when you have power!
Are you alright, Gordon?
No, I'm not Helen. I think I may need some counselling.
You've got to make it higher, Linda.
I've told you Tasmanian chipmunks are very big animals.
Leave off Colin, it's not your job anymore.
Anyway, I can't see why we need barbed wire as well.
Just an added precaution.
Hey! Colin, the pool's unmanned.
Quite frankly, Julie, I don't give a monkey's.
Neither do I...
I never wanted to be a swimming pool attendant.
I wish Mr Brittas were back.
I thought I'd never see the day when I'd actually miss him.
You should be pleased, Julie, ow! You're deputy manager now.
Oh, I hate it, it's too much responsibility.
Besides, half the fun was making his life a misery.
Anyway, orders from 'er indoors, close the Children's Corner.
What?
She said, ''We'll never win this European Award of Excellence
if we've got a lot of dirty animals running around''.
Time to make a stand, I think...
Bring back Brittas! Bring back Brittas! Bring back Brittas!
Bring back... Brittas...
- What's going on? - We're on strike, Carole!
Well get back to work, now.
Not until Mr Brittas has been reinstated!
I'm manager of the Leisure Centre here
and I order you to get back to work.
Down with Carole!
Down with Carole! Down with Carole! Down with Carole!
Gavin, at least you've remained loyal to me.
I haven't! I just didn't have the heart to leave the children.
Bring back Brittas! Bring back Brittas! Bring back Brittas!
Oh, what am I going to do?
Relax my little mange tout, they'll come round...
once they realise their jobs are on the line.
Carole, just to say that I'm resigning as staff counsellor.
Oh, Mrs Brittas, you're not turning against me, too?
No, it's just that Gordon and I are emigrating.
Emigrating?
Oh, it's wonderful, Carole! I've just had
my first, major breakthrough. I've made Gordon see
that there's a life beyond leisure management.
- Where are you going? - Katmandu.
Katmandu?
To live on a Buddhist ashram. The children are going to
boarding school and Gordon's waiting for me at the airport.
Bye, bye Carole, I'll miss you.
What have I done? They're emigrating because of me!
Excellent, my little cherub, you earned your wings.
You got me into this mess,
well, it's time to put the record straight.
And where do you think you're going?
I'm going to get Mr Brittas back!
You'll do no such thing!
Out of my way!
ROARS
PA: Flight 216 to Katmandu is now boarding at Gate 7.
Mr Brittas, stop!
Carole? What are you doing here?
- Mr Brittas, don't go! - No, Carole...
I'm going to Katmandu to start a new life, Carole,
nothing's gonna stop me.
- I tricked you, Mr Brittas. - What?
I deliberately fell off the ladder Mr Brittas,
knowing you'd blame yourself for not spotting the rule
about staff going up ladders.
The only reason you didn't spot it Mr Brittas,
is because I swapped the labels...
... all so I could become manager.
I knew it was too good to be true!
JULIE: Mr Brittas, the European inspector's here!
Right, positions everyone, please. Gavin, cue the music.
GREEK MUSIC PLAYS
BRITTAS SPEAKS GREEK
Hang on, you're not Mr Coulucundis!
My name is Lotte Laudrup, I'm from Denmark.
I'm afraid Mr Coulucundis was taken ill.
[aside] Gavin, kill the music.
Yes, of course. Let me introduce you to my staff...
This is Julie...
BRITTAS: And so we come to the final leg of our grand tour,
the Children's Corner, a little animal sanctuary run by
my other deputy manager, Mr Colin Wetherby.
Colin, this is Miss Laudrup, the European Inspector.
A pleasure to meet you, Miss Laudrup.
Let me introduce you to the family...
This is Bertha, Monty, Richard; here is our newest member
and my special surprise for today,
Terry the Tasmanian chipmunk!
[aside] Colin, there's nothing there.
Hang on, the padlock's gone!
BRITTAS: I know, that's because I put it back
on the fire escape door where it's supposed to be.
Oh my God!
Lotte, I don't know about you, but I could murder a coffee.
- Mr Brittas! - Not now!
Gordon Brittas, staff of Whitbury Leisure Centre,
this is the most Euro-friendly leisure centre I have seen,
even though you did forget to put signs up in Svurdish,
the dialect spoken in my village.
Nevertheless, it gives me great pleasure
to present you with the European Award for Excellence.
DISTANT ROARING
What was that?
That was my receptionist, she tends to roar occasionally.
Come on, Terry... Good boy, Terry. Terry? Terry?
ANIMAL FOOTSTEPS THEN LOUD CRASH
You come back here! Terry! Terry, come back!
Well Miss Laudrup, bon voyage!
Or as they say in Greek...
- Mr Brittas. - Not now, Colin.
- But Mr Brittas... - Colin!
Perhaps see you in Denmark sometime, Mr Brittas?
I don't think so. Went to Copenhagen
a couple of years ago and found it rather dull.
I'm sorry to hear that. Where did you visit?
The airport.
- Goodbye, Mr Brittas! - Bye, Lotte!
What a nice lady!
- Mr Brittas. - Yes, Colin?
It's Terry the Tasmanian chipmunk, he's escaped!
I've told you those animals are to be kept in their enclosures.
You don't understand. Terry isn't from Tasmania.
- He isn't actually a chipmunk. - What do you mean?
I was keeping it as a surprise.
When you talked about finding the lion within, I thought...
You thought what, Colin?
Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a real lion as a celebration
and then when Whitbury Zoo said that Terry needed a new home...
Have you done what I think you've done?
Yes... and I'm afraid the lion within is... without!
What?
LION ROARS
TITLE MUSIC